Today I woke up to the start of an unexpected sneaky hate spiral; there are many reasons why it could have started! I didn’t get enough sleep, I woke up with a sore back, recently someone unintentionally hurt my feelings and what was said is weighing on me, or really any other minor (or seemingly not so minor) irritants could be the cause.
See that is the thing about sneaky hate spirals…they don’t need a lot to get them going and hardly need steam to ramp up. I realized I was in a nearly full blown spiral when I saw myself in the window on the way to work and that nasty voice in my head said…”see that’s why you don’t have a partner” and “you look hideous, how can you be seen in public”. I haven’t heard her voice in a while so it didn’t make me feel so hot! So I did what any self-respecting spiraller would do…I ate chocolate for breakfast which only made me feel worse about myself.
Why am I telling you all about my bad attitude and behaviour?
Being accountable to others makes you stronger! I share with you to continue to gain insight into to me! I could have let the spiral suck me down further, but I won’t let it! Half the battle is recognizing that the spiral is starting and jumping off before I get all Ragey….
To be honest, I think I am getting a bit annoyed and exhausted with online dating LOL – I was talking about it with a friend last night and I realized you really have to put in a ton of effort for minimum reward. But then again it could just be me feeling all butt hurt and ragey? I think said friend was a bit shocked (as are most people which actually really pisses me off….but I digress) when I said how many messages I get every day. I would say matches/ messages/ emails/ chat requests – I am looking at 5 to 15 per day; some days on the low end and some days much higher. But out of those messages how many are actually serious prospects? Not that many to be honest. Either they are looking for super casual or hookups or I am not interested in them.
So you spend this effort weeding out the definite no’s…then you expend this energy getting to know people only to find out that they lied in their profiles and really they just want casual. Which, is totally fine, but come on be honest; it’s not that hard people. It’s like showing up to a date and realizing that they pics you saw online are at least 10 years old (or being the only one who shows up LOL)
So after having a conversation about what I want out of life/dating, I think my friend may have been surprised to hear me say that I am happy alone, but that I would rather have someone walk alongside me. I do casual well and I think it surprised them that I do in fact love LOVE. I like affection, I enjoy intimacy, I like being a partner, first kisses, infatuation etc. I wonder how that fits into this new style of dating….or does it even at all? I guess I will just continue to stumble along blindly enjoying life and see what happens J
I admitted a scary truth yesterday. I am not near as cool/collected/blasé or whatever you want to call it – as I appear on the outside. I think I am just really good at reading people and quickly erecting walls or saying the things I think will make others feel comfortable if it’s required in that situation.
It is not that I want to lie to people, I just don't think I need to share my hurt feelings with some people if it’s not going to make a difference to the reality of the situation other than to make that person feel bad. Why spread the misery unnecessarily? Is that being disingenuine? Or compassionate? Who knows?
So what is next?
Tonight I will join my coworkers in some music bingo and beers.
I will do my best to get a good sleep tonight (it would help if I stopped taking my vitamins before bed I think!) and maybe do some stretching as well.
I will remember to be kind to my body, I was very sick…it took me a long time to get to this place and I will not be able to change it over night as much as I wish I could! I have lost almost 24 pounds and a dress size and a half since the beginning of the year. I didn't even start actively working out 3 to 4 times per until February 1st and i have missed 3 full weeks due to a chest infection and crazy work schedule....so really I am kicking ass without doing much other than being more conscious about what i put in my mouth and how much i am moving.
I suppose I could work on getting a tougher skin as well, but you know what? I think part of my charm is my open vulnerability, that I live out loud with my heart on my sleeve and that I jump in with both feet most days. I think open, honest, vulnerable Tara is pretty awesome.
I will love out loud and messy and silly and stupid and…
I will repeat my Mantra:
I am good enough,
I am smart enough
and doggone it my ass looks amazing in these jeans!
Have a fantastic day…and thanks for letting me work it out here!
Ps….if you don’t know the sneaky hate spiral – check it out here http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2010/05/sneaky-hate-spiral.html
Allie sees into your soul so be careful! – I also highly recommend the God of Cake.