I am the worlds shittiest......

Co-worker, member, partner, sister, friend, aunt.....

and other assorted lies my body tells me.

I know I have spoken about this before, but it bears repeating as I beat myself bloody in my own personal hell right now.

Living with a non-visible illness and/or a not yet diagnosed illness really F&*(&ng sucks.   I am fully aware of what a flake I look like - what you think when I don't show up to a meeting or a rehearsal again.   When I say I can't/don't want to do a thing but I look fine.

I want to be really honest, I am smiling but I am not fine.   I feel like crap most of the time, I don't want to complain to you anymore and I am worried.   I hate being the complainer, I hate having a messy house, I hate missing the thing, I hate not being more "on", I hate not finishing things or finishing them late, or falling behind or feeling like I shouldn't even bother because why would anyone care!

I am aware that these are lies which is why I will try to do as many of the things, and clean what I can, and try to make a meal and be more on!

What I am working on now, is understanding that my best is not always what people expect and more important not necessarily what I wanted/intended to do.

I am feeling down today, because I wasn't as productive as I would have liked to be at work, my house is a mess, I am relying on Tom a lot, I am not being the best partner in the ways that I should,  I didn't  go say goodbye to my parents before they left for England, I am missing yet another rehearsal and on top of it all, I feel like a dick for whining because there are so many more people worse off than me.  

This is probably why I am writing it, because writing it forces me to realized my brain is being an ASS&)*(E

Right now my biggest worry is the unknown... because of my less than stellar mental health (thanks Pandemic!), I can turn the tiniest thing into a great dragon.   I start to spiral which then leads me to have one of two reactions....

The slow descend into sadness

or the dreaded sneaky hate spiral - http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/05/sneaky-hate-spiral.html

side bar....if you haven't read that blog post on the sneaky hate spiral, you really should stop and go do so....its way more funny and relatable than my post here I am sure.

oh hey...you came back!   Thanks!

What was I talking about? oh yeah.    If you are a person in my life, then I want to apologize and let you know its not you....its actually me.    Things are rough right now.   The hormones are all over the place, there are all kinds of new and fun symptoms which have led us down some scary rabbit trails like oh hey maybe you have a brain tumor....or that could be early Parkinson's. Or my current fear of thoracic endometriosis because I can't seem to shake these cold symptoms and breathing issues.

But hey it could also be because I am fat....isn't that the answer to most issues?  Maybe I should just go work out, that would make me feel better.....

Oh I remember, some days I am so anemic and tired I can't even raise my own arms above my shoulders and really I just want to sleep,,,,Don't worry I have a new drug that will help stop the bleeding....oh wait.. what.. it causes headaches and GI issues?  That's okay I can take medication for those symptoms too.  oh shoot I forgot....those cause me to back up and be tired so maybe I can take.....

and this is why I end up taking more "natural" steps and sleeping it off!

Speaking of sleep....have you ever spontaneously fallen asleep while sitting up and doing something like say waiting for the document to print or you know anything....I have to tell you its super embarrassing and not nearly as funny as this picture looks lol

Its a long road ahead as I wait for answers, because once we have answers we can make a plan.   That is what I need.....A plan always helps me because I can take little bites or big bites but at least I know where I need to get to and have made a plan on how to get there.

So what am I doing in the meantime?  SULKING!!! lol okay no really....this is what I need to do (maybe you do too??)

• wake up and be grateful
• get out of bed and get dressed even if casually
• do one thing
• maybe do another, but maybe not

This will be enough!   On the good days, if I remember to register I will go to the pool, even if its just to jump around and walk lengths.   This will be low impact on my sore body and water seems to do something special to my soul.

We have the appointment to see the OBG in July so the eviction is getting closer and closer!   

We haven't heard back from the doctor in regards to the MRI so that is probably good news right?  They would have called right away if I had a giant tumor on my brain!

Okay....so see...writing it all down has been helpful, I feel way less shitty than I did an hour ago!   I still feel like a crappy co-worker, member, partner, sister, friend, aunt but I also have space to recognize that maybe not everyone feels I am the worst....maybe just a little LOL.    If I have neglected you I want you to know I truly am sorry and I love you very much!!   I am very blessed to have such a great community of people around me!