Possible Trigger Warning.....Trauma, Abuse and Death
This is a weird and freeing post that contains an emotional breakthrough and information that may trigger you....no names used. Now is the time to leave if you don't want to read that kind of post...
I will give you a flower as you go
I will give you a flower as you go
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Welcome....
So...in 1997 I packed up everything I owned into my little blue
Honda civic hatchback and drove to Edmonton to attend North American Baptist
College. I took my best friend Jenn with me for company and we nearly died when we found out i can't sleep in a car "unless its moving" right Jenn? I only attended 1 year at NABC and had to come home!
It's been 20 years since my class graduated and they are having a
reunion next weekend. I have been struck by how desperately I feel
the want/need to attend. I have not understood why until just
a few moments ago.
Today the organizer put up a video in which she said "NABC
was a trauma, but I made the best friends" and I immediately teared up;
her words shot directly into my heart.
NABC was a huge trauma, probably one of the most traumatic years I have
experienced so far….So why do I feel such love for this school and the people,
many of whom I haven’t even talked to since I left?
My decision to go to a bible college came out of a deep desire to
figure out the dumpster fire that was my life.
I had grown up with faith and a relationship with God but this destructive path that I couldn’t seem to step off of. I wanted to go immerse myself in my faith, and work through some issues and step into adulthood with this renewed sense of who I was, a fresh path and the tools to do what I had always wanted to do – work with troubled teens! I felt that if I went to bible school I would be able to deep dive into my faith and find the tools I needed to be a better human. Where is that pedestal??
I had grown up with faith and a relationship with God but this destructive path that I couldn’t seem to step off of. I wanted to go immerse myself in my faith, and work through some issues and step into adulthood with this renewed sense of who I was, a fresh path and the tools to do what I had always wanted to do – work with troubled teens! I felt that if I went to bible school I would be able to deep dive into my faith and find the tools I needed to be a better human. Where is that pedestal??
Talk about putting a lot on a people you don’t even know LOL.
As a student who would be living in dorms I need to arrive at school ahead of classes starting and they had events
set up to help us get to know one another.
Before classes had even started we were already hanging out and having a
great time with one another.
·
Approx.
3 or 4 days before classes started Princess Diana died
·
Either
just before classes started or somewhere in the first week or so I was in a
serious car accident. This accident was
not treated other than with OTC medication because the driver of both cars were
not properly insured/not insured. It is
believed that this accident was the catalyst for the migraines, Intracranial
Hypertension and my degraded eyesight.
·
Part
way through 1st semester a teacher pulled me to the side and said “you
have been sexually abused and I have a group I would like to invite you to” I was incensed at the time, but wondered how
she knew. So I started group counselling
for sexual trauma that we all kept a secret.
·
I
lost my scholarship halfway through the year (classes are hard when you are in
pain all the time)
·
I
didn’t know I would attend classes the second half of the year until 1 day
before I had to move out of my private dorm room.
·
I
decided to work on a suicide prevention hotline.
·
I met
a lot of FLAWED “Christians” which pushed me deeper into a crisis of faith
·
I
couldn’t afford my car, so I couldn’t work and I ended up getting very creative
with leftovers from others, the microwave and the dollar store.
·
A very
close family friend died
·
I had
a falling out with my dearest and bestest friend
·
I was
in a very tumultuous relationship
·
I had
to leave school because I couldn’t cope and didn’t know how to pay for
everything on my own.
I basically failed at life.
I had a constant state of dissonance, I hated God and I had no idea I was
slipping into my first very deep, dark depression which would culminate in two
lackluster and failed suicide attempts.
I understand now what happened (psychologically, emotionally and
physically) and how it leads to where I ended up, I am grateful for these
experiences that have made me into a better person, who is filled with more
compassion and love then I was before…..but at the time, it was horrific.
So….what is it that makes me love this place,
that makes me love
these people, that calls me back?
All through the crap was love, relationship, and faith…while I was
going through all of the above I also experienced:
·
Confidence
– for the first time in my life, someone heard me sing and told me I should
audition for the Choristers, I ended up going on tour with them and recording.
·
Healing
– for the first time in my life, I openly talked about being abused and
assaulted and did the work to clean out my heart and find forgiveness and love.
·
I
experienced people loving and caring on each other. I had people pray over me and for me
constantly.
·
We had
these secret buddies and you would sneak into the mail room and put things in
their cubbies.
·
When I
was really struggling people would slide food cards under my door so I could go
to the cafeteria
·
Even
though there are always cliques everywhere you go, at NABC with this amazing
group of people, you were never left alone, there was always an invitation to come
and hang out or people dropping by.
·
We
all lived together 24/7, studied together and played together and it created
bonds like siblings. I know that people
who stayed for the whole degree program became family and many even married.
In the midst of the muck, the trauma, the crazy and the scary – I met
these people who have greatly influenced my life even now 22 years later. We follow each other on Facebook and cheer
each other on even though we are literally scattered all over the world.
Even though it was one of the most traumatic and upheaving years
of my life, it was also the time I found my legs and figured out what was
important to me. How to be with myself
and to release things from the deepest darkest places in my heart. These lessons were the building blocks for
many lessons to come (easy ones and really hard ones LOL)
It's funny how we can wipe away all the yuck and just be left with
the love.
What I wouldn’t do to be able to go back and spend just a bit more
time there with these amazing people. I
hope they enjoy the reunion and know that I wanted very much to be there with
them…not only then in school but now!
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