Skip to main content

On the Precipice....

It is just two days until the calendar page flips and another year of my life begins.   As I inch closer to “getting old” (what does that mean anyway?)
 I am spending a bit more time being reflective.

My memory feed over the last two days has been filled with love, fear, sadness, joy and triumph and it has caused me to reflect a bit on where my life has gone and where I am going!  Just two years ago I was sitting in my new living room surrounded by boxes, terrified, crying and resolute that I would be stronger and not open my heart again.   I was tired of the roller coaster, I knew I deserved better but I just wasn’t sure what that was.


Now 2 years later and my home is my sanctuary, my sweet little piece of calm and love.   A place filled with totems of strength, courage, laughter and love.    I have a small group of people that I love unconditionally and who I know support me wholeheartedly.  I have not been spared the heartache or the roller coaster, but it has been tempered with intense love, amazing friendships, boundary pushing and so so much laughter!

I have learned in these last two years that I am made of some really tough stuff and that I am a lover of love.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and I give myself wholly to people I feel are worthy.  I have repeatedly tried to put a stone wall around my heart only to discover those stones were really snow balls and they just melt away.

You know what though…I am not sure I want to be that hard bitter woman….I don’t really think it’s me do you?  I want to live my life loud and messy and joyously.   I am done being scared and waiting for adventure to come to me.

Will I end up with a broken heart?  Maybe…
.
Will I end up with bruises and bumps? For sure….

Will I cry? Darn tooting…..

But I will also love with every fiber of my being, laugh all the way down to my toes, dance and sing like no one is around and experience a peace like no other.  I am ready for a real adventure!!!

As I look at this new year, I feel a bit like I may be teetering on the edge of something great….I can only compare it to the feeling I had when I clung to the rope ladder on the last obstacle in mudderella.  

I was terrified, exhausted and emotionally done.   

I was scared of the heights and every muscle in my body ached.  I was literally locked in fear and exhaustion but I heard two voices…Angel and Michael encouraging me, reminding me how far I had come, how strong I was and how I was so close to something great.

I mean damn it…Angel even risked life and limb to climb over a set of wood carrals to get to me.


She was so concerned about me and my fear that she even waited to slide down into the abyss until she saw me go first!!  Talk about love and encouragement!!!!!!!


But back to the feeling…as I sat with my friends looking into the abyss I felt terror but also this huge surge of power and courage.    I did not want to move, I did not want to go forward but once I did…I was flying!!  I had done it; I had taken the courage from my friends and moved into the next step of my life.

I have never been more confident and felt as loved as I was that moment we all linked arms and walked together across the finish line.

So here I sit at the beginning of a new year feeling terrified and ridiculously excited about what is to come and ready to meet it head on. 


 I will live loud, messy and bright and if you don’t like it then get out of the way!


To the rest of you….buckle up weirdo’s it’s gonna be an adventure and I am so blessed and excited that we will do it together!

Love you guys!


T

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Continued adventures in dating.....

Good Morning readers!

All three of you!

I know you are chomping at the bit to hear all about my wild and crazy adventures in babysitting uh online dating.

Well for the most part it seems to be a wash out.   I will talk with some interesting guys and it seems good and then POOOOFF...they are gone.   I suspect its because i don't jump on the hey come F^&* me train fast enough?   Either that or my busy schedule doesn't work for them.   For the most part thought its just dudes looking for nookie!

Don't get me wrong, it hasn't all been bad, I have talked to some really nice guys but so far it hasn't turned in to much.   But let me tell you about one experience I had last night.

I have seen this guys profile on a couple of different sites - he uses the same three lame pictures which were taken one right after the other and then describes how amazing he is in the context of the stuff he has and what he has accomplished.  He is kind of cute.. i guess...in a bit of a we…

A Waste of Good Underwear....

Or alternatively…How I got stood up Once, Uh twice, WAIT Three times in one week!
Well....
To say that this week has been disappointing is an understatement.   I have to say about midweek last week I was feeling pretty on top of the pile.   I had dates lined up all the way until Thursday of the next week with some nice gentleman,I had dropped some more weightI had worn an old amazing pair of jeans and looked good!!I had nailed some tricky harmoniesI was learning 2 languages at the same time!I had made a new group of friends in Rome online (yes mom I am being safe and there are girls!), one of whom is a single, gorgeous Italian guy who wants to take me for Aperativo     and a night walk through some of the fountains in Rome! So you know feeling pretty good!

Then Sunday came….I was supposed to go for Coffee with  uhm lets call him Dutch we have been talking for a few months now.  I was actually surprised he got the nerve up to actually ask to meet.     I was supposed to be in Surrey but…

This week in online dating - you are Amazed by Me....

Or..alternatively - How does this chick get all these guys??

I think sometimes people are a bit amazed when they see me and see that I don’t really have a problem getting dates.  Don’t get me wrong this isn’t a post about me bashing myself so get off your soap boxes; but I think we have this media culture that tells us

FAT IS BAD!  NO ONE LIKES FAT!  FAT IS UGLY!! IF YOU ARE FAT YOU WILL BE SINGLE FOREVER!
NO ONE WILL WANT TO GET WITH YOU!



 I am going to have to call bullshit!
I will admit, if I a guy is super-hot, I generally don’t email or wink at him first.   I automatically assume that they will not be interested in me.   It always boggles my mind when a total hottie messages me and tells me how beautiful I am.   I regret to say I often ask them if they have seen all my pictures and know that I am a bigger more fluffy girl.   99.8% of the time the reply I get back is:
OH YES….I love a girl with gorgeous curves like yours.
I have to be honest; I get about 3 times as many messages as I te…