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Relationships (very candid....don't read if you don't want to know)

Last night I attending this class about relationships, dating, the baggage you carry and the talk you say to yourself without even knowing it.    This morning when I got up my Facebook offered up a host of memory posts as it does every day and it got me thinking.


The last two weeks every morning my memory posts have been flooded with this amazing adventure that Chris and I took to Mexico and I haven't been sharing them because we are no longer in a relationship and that kind of made me sad.    Not that we are broken up but that I don't get to share this amazing memories because we aren't together.






I have been fortunate/unfortunate enough to have been married to two wonderful/charismatic/infuriating/loving etc etc men.   Some of you who are new around here may not know that.   Sorry guys but I am about to post pictures of you....


Can you not see the mischief here???


1n 1997 I met Cory, he was crazy and funny and we had a very tumultuous but awesome time together.    Looking back now we might have gotten married because we had been dating for so long.   We had been through a TON together and we didn't want to break up and we loved each other.


It took me a long time to accept but Cory found another girl and hindsight now shows me it was fate.   These two are so perfect together.   I know from her posts that sometimes she faces some of the same frustrations I faced but she also gets all the good stuff and even more because they truly belong together!


Our divorce was really hard on me and I swore I would never get married again but then one day in 2007 I met a new boy....


The genuine cheesy grin and easy going nature is one of the things I loved best!!!


Chris and I were instantly best friends, we had a great time together and could talk for hours about pretty much anything.   I was over the moon when we married and we had a really good run.  We were constantly being told to get a room, we kissed all the time and wrote each other cute messages all over Facebook.   But something happened and it broke. 


Our divorce was pretty amicable and I am still licking my wounds a bit but I am happy for him.   He, like Cory, has found someone very special to him.


Other than 28 months between these two men where I purposefully did not date....I have been a serial monogamous.   I have had a number of long term relationships, many of whom have met someone very special during or after me.


You are drifting Tara...what was this blog about again?   Oh yeah that negative self talk and what I bring to relationships.


I have not had a relationship of any substance, ever, that has not had someone be unfaithful to me.   Some had wondering eyes, some wondering words, and some just flat out cheated on me.    I have to wonder what is wrong with me?


Now get off your high horse.....I am not saying I make people be unfaithful nor am I taking responsibility for someone else's actions.   But something she said last night struck a chord.


We all carry these negative thoughts inside of us and they cloud what we see and how we react.


My core belief is ALL MEN CHEAT, I know very few men who haven't.....but you know I bet if I started to write out all the names the list of those who don't is probably longer.  I also know a lot of women who do to.


But because I have this core belief and a handful of traumatic experiences,  I automatically mistrust all men and I can point to times in my life when I automatically accused/assumed this belief of a partner.  


Sometimes I was right and sometimes I wasn't but the point here is that I pushed away from my partners because SEX IS POWER and  ALL MEN WANT IS SEX!   and I couldn't allow someone to use it against me again....so I could withhold/withdraw from my partner and then I wouldn't have to care about them doing something wrong.


Once my head shut down I could shut down my heart and squeeze my partner out.  


And this is where I have gone wrong....I shut out my partners.  


I did not talk to them, I did not engage and do the work.   I shut them out and sometimes I walked away because it is so much easier.  My confirmation bias kicked in and I was able to say "SEE ALL MEN CHEAT"


Do I think I should have stayed in all my relationships....heck no...but I am certain I could have saved one or both of my marriages by being a more engaged and loving partner.   I need to work on getting closer not further away when things get rough.   I doubt the soldiers who are protecting someone fan out further instead of clustering around someone they mean to save.


Hard lessons...some of which have taken a long time to learn.    I think before I get into anything else I need to figure out what my other core beliefs are.  


I need to work on my relationship with myself too.   I have a tremendous amount of negative self talk.   I have LITERALLY piled on protection around me.   Fat girls don't get raped, Fat girls don't have to worry about relationship woes.  (I actually figured this one out a few years ago...but health complications have made it very hard to knock the weight back off) but then I started to beat myself up for being fat.


I am worthless, no one loves a fat girl, I am gross, I am stupid....I can't even begin to tell you all the negative stuff I say to myself....sigh.  I am horrible.






But today I didn't, today I woke up and said:


I AM SMART
I AM BEAUTIFUL
AND DAMN IT MY ASS LOOKS GOOD IN THESE JEANS



and tomorrow I will do it again.    Its not going to change my self talk over night, its not going to solve my relationship issues but maybe just maybe it will start the day out positive instead of negative.


I do desire to have a long lasting love...I love being in love.   I want to meet that person who I spend the rest of my days hearing "oh good lord you two get a room".   I want to find a partner, a friend, a co-fighter, but I can't do that until I fix me first.   Love me first.


Maybe I should take myself on a date LOL


Thanks for reading, let me know what you think.


T

Comments

Unknown said…
How brave you are for being so honest Tara! It's also super brave and awesome that you are learning about yourself and really taking the time to get to your core issues. I know my divorce and the reasons why it happened nearly destroyed my self confidence and made me a man hater. I was fortunate to meet a man who did not let me drift into myself and ignore and hide... He will force me, force himself to hit the issues head on even tho it is not my natural inclination to do this. I love him for it. I love how doing this has changed my core. I love how I am becoming stronger and able to stand up for myself in life, in my relationship. But you are doing your own work where I have been kinda dragged to the work while all the while being terrified. I am so proud of you. You are a stunningly gorgeous person. Keep growing and know you are not alone! xoxoxoxo Nat
Unknown said…
Tara, your honesty and self-awareness are inspiring. You've not only owned your story but you've had the courage to share it - thank you. I'm currently single too, after 3 serious, committed relationships, the first lasting for 7 years. After my most recent breakup, I realized that the biggest lesson I needed to take on board, for my own sake and not just the sake of any hoped-for future relationship, was to become comfortable with loneliness. To embrace the lessons it teaches about identity and self-sufficiency. And to realize that not only can I take care of myself, I can open my heart to help others MORE when it's not occupied with maintaining a relationship drains me more than it fills me. So recently I took myself for a solo cycle touring adventure on Salt Spring Island - a romantic weekend getaway just for me! I took myself out for dessert, bought myself a present,got down wit' my bad self on the dance floor of the local pub, and embraced every moment of the experience. I highly recommend it.:) So go on now - anyone would be blessed to spend time with you, including you!

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