On the Precipice....

It is just two days until the calendar page flips and another year of my life begins.   As I inch closer to “getting old” (what does that mean anyway?)

 I am spending a bit more time being reflective.

My memory feed over the last two days has been filled with love, fear, sadness, joy and triumph and it has caused me to reflect a bit on where my life has gone and where I am going!  Just two years ago I was sitting in my new living room surrounded by boxes, terrified, crying and resolute that I would be stronger and not open my heart again.   I was tired of the roller coaster, I knew I deserved better but I just wasn’t sure what that was.

Now 2 years later and my home is my sanctuary, my sweet little piece of calm and love.   A place filled with totems of strength, courage, laughter and love.    I have a small group of people that I love unconditionally and who I know support me wholeheartedly.  I have not been spared the heartache or the roller coaster, but it has been tempered with intense love, amazing friendships, boundary pushing and so so much laughter!

I have learned in these last two years that I am made of some really tough stuff and that I am a lover of love.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and I give myself wholly to people I feel are worthy.  I have repeatedly tried to put a stone wall around my heart only to discover those stones were really snow balls and they just melt away.

You know what though…I am not sure I want to be that hard bitter woman….I don’t really think it’s me do you?  I want to live my life loud and messy and joyously.   I am done being scared and waiting for adventure to come to me.

Will I end up with a broken heart?  Maybe…

.

Will I end up with bruises and bumps? For sure….

Will I cry? Darn tooting…..

But I will also love with every fiber of my being, laugh all the way down to my toes, dance and sing like no one is around and experience a peace like no other.  I am ready for a real adventure!!!

As I look at this new year, I feel a bit like I may be teetering on the edge of something great….I can only compare it to the feeling I had when I clung to the rope ladder on the last obstacle in mudderella.  

I was terrified, exhausted and emotionally done.   

I was scared of the heights and every muscle in my body ached.  I was literally locked in fear and exhaustion but I heard two voices…Angel and Michael encouraging me, reminding me how far I had come, how strong I was and how I was so close to something great.

I mean damn it…Angel even risked life and limb to climb over a set of wood carrals to get to me.

She was so concerned about me and my fear that she even waited to slide down into the abyss until she saw me go first!!  Talk about love and encouragement!!!!!!!

But back to the feeling…as I sat with my friends looking into the abyss I felt terror but also this huge surge of power and courage.    I did not want to move, I did not want to go forward but once I did…I was flying!!  I had done it; I had taken the courage from my friends and moved into the next step of my life.

I have never been more confident and felt as loved as I was that moment we all linked arms and walked together across the finish line.

So here I sit at the beginning of a new year feeling terrified and ridiculously excited about what is to come and ready to meet it head on. 

 I will live loud, messy and bright and if you don’t like it then get out of the way!

To the rest of you….buckle up weirdo’s it’s gonna be an adventure and I am so blessed and excited that we will do it together!

Love you guys!

T